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Year 5 Part 1
From 2025-03 to 2025-01

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2025-01

2025-01-13 06:28AM

feeling hopeful maybe

• fixed my sleeping, for real this time I hope; there's other things not up to me to fix, and let's not worry about them here
• Anyway, besides that, in upcoming days, at some point in some day, I'll have to make a webpage with the games and things that I'd like to do for this year; because there's quite a lot of them, and it needs to be written somewhere so that I don't forget lol
• Besides that too, I don't know what else to say tbh, still trying to get some things in order, slowly,,, the laptop that had a broken OS had its HDD replaced, and I installed some windows 10 version on it, so now it works (kinda), I couldn't find drivers on the official webpage for it, so I had to use some software and that one did the thing somehow; now it's some other things' turn to see if they work and how they work
  Soon after that I'll have to switch this from linux to windows so I can play my silly games again ;w; I'll miss having pretty much everything possible to do from the command line, but maybe I can still do these in a VM
• currently these are just some thoughts, but they need to stop being thoughts because I'm kinda getting impatient, y'know

(2025-01-04 07:36AM)

feeling bad

• I thought this year was gonna be better, but it looks like it's not gonna be
  I maybe gotta rush some incomplete projects before I start doing others, or something like that
  I'm sorry, I'm so sorry if I do or have done anything bad
• currently just so tired of everything and I really don't see a way out of it. easy to say to keep on living when you're in a comfy bed and watching TV while I can't even do that; it's so cold even under some clothes I covered myself with, and I can't watch TV because it's depressing what they showcase. I can't even bring myself to watch comedy shows anymore, and they don't have much effect on me, you can tell how much depressed I got
  please bring me to the end of year and make things better, please
• maybe the few years ago weren't the best, maybe having to be home and spending time with some family wasn't so good (it kinda was in some aspects), but at least I wasn't living in fear of the next day. This all started some time ago and you likely know what happened, I'm not gonna repeat it, ever since then it made me depressed and I've hardly recovered; every time I think I feel kinda better, all it takes is reminding me these things are happening, then I feel bad again
  few years ago I was thinking that it's gonna be 1000 days before things go bad and need to change for the better (I think I was at the place with the red plus on it and/or I was depressed some day), every few days I'd go to a calendar and mark off days; last time I looked at it was last month, still 3 digits of days left, but it's less than a half, I didn't wanna rush it and wanted to do things when they can be done. I didn't wanna rush things. I think the summer after the next one is gonna be one of the most difficult; if I look back on this and find that it is much easier, then I demand a hug and some caressing words (and also to take me with you if it really is better). If the day I look back to this is a good day, I just want you to know, please be safe, please stop all this happening,,, (if it's not better, then I don't wanna know, I don't wanna think, don't let me know; and you can't fault me for that)
• I really wanna stop sugarcoating the situation, tell what it is exactly, but there's no way I can directly talk about it without personal information and/or making me in tears in the process, so I'm sorry for that
• I don't wanna harm myself, there's not much need for that (and I've already seen how it is, because of something that wasn't even my fault), I already eat a whole less than before because there's barely anything to eat anymore, we can't afford much things, and I think we may stop water and bring bottles instead (that'll make dish washing more trouble, so please don't) ; cable TV and 'net are in a pack, so you might get rid of cable TV because I've not watched much of it, but others from here do; powerlines is kinda important so don't mess with that. And that's what I could think of, unless these get cheaper or something changes and I can afford more things even if they got more expensive, then I'm not sure. I never knew how to ask for funds on the Internet, and I've never done it before, but it looks like I'll kinda have to learn,,, As for the reasons why, I don't know, I wanna eat more than half of a bread per day, y'know
• Wasn't expecting to write a lot, but I always seem to do more when I feel bad. Goes to show what helps me getting away from ending it all

(2024-12-30 06:45AM)

feeling hi hi

• teehee, I'm early :3

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